Early Grief

As a bereaved mother who lost my child in a traumatic way, this is my story of early grief. As a newly trained Certified Grief Educator, I understand now more than ever that there will never be a plug and play for understanding these early days of pain and shock.

All you can be is in it.

Caregivers please take note,these are your days to shine and never underestimate the value of your good instincts.

Important Disclosure: I speak from personal experience and am not a licensed professional. This guidance does not substitute for advice from qualified experts. For urgent mental or physical health needs, please consult accredited professionals in your community.

For Grievers :

breathe, sleep, cry, eat, drink

small sips

This is physical

Your body, brain and heart is in shock and needs nourishment so it can take care of you. It has been battered and is raw with this loss.

Time flows differently now

Try not to make any big decisions or changes for months or a year.

Everything is bruised

Your memory and coping skills are shot. Forgive yourself and take it slow.

Everything you do is now a first

it’s ok to be absorbed and overwhelmed with the power of this. Take it slow.

Nourish all your senses

Immerse and surround yourself in everything that feels, tastes and smells good. Candles, soft fabrics, oils, kind lighting and talk to the trees, they know things.

Take the space you need

You don't owe anyone anything. It’s OK to receive support yet also cushion yourself with the time and space to process it.

Your muscles are mush

They will eventually grow to support the weight of this tremendous pain, but you are a tender newborn once again. Only time will allow you to build the strength to support the weight. Be gentle with your expectations.

Compassionate Friends “You are not Alone ”

Write if you can

Without hesitation, write everything that comes to mind. Every story, every nuance, every day with your loved one. The act of capturing moving thoughts with pen to paper saves parts of their essence. Your love keeps the details of alive as you evolve into the folds of grief. This writing is for you and you alone. Feel free to say whatever you want. Future you will thank you for your written words.

Say their names

With love and intention repeatedly, whenever your heart desires and to whomever is in your orbit.

Although this feels impossible, know that you are never alone

Your grief is love

For Caregivers :

It takes a village and each one of you has something unique to offer.

Your instincts are your superpower

Your griever is in shock

they are jumbled on a cellular level, they need things they are not even aware of.

Emotionally, they need to be witnessed.

Physically they need to fed. Tactically they need assistance with important big and timely decisions.

Encourage them to leave all decisions that can wait for at least a year.

There is no rush and they need time to absorb and find some clarity.

Set up a meal train

with freezable food and disposable containers. For the grievers or their house full of people. Gift certificates to local restaurants work too.

Take care of everyday chores

mow their lawn, fold their laundry, do their dishes, clean their car. Without acknowledgement. Just do it.

Give, with a full understanding that you are to receive nothing in return.

Give, on gut instinct

and don’t ask too many detailed questions. They will have moments of profound clarity mixed with the inability to manage simple functions. Do not expect them to absorb everything all at once.

Don’t burden your shocked griever

with your personal stories. They will ask you if they are ready to hear.

Encourage them to write down everything,

including their dreams. They are entering a new territory where memories of their loved ones are more precious than ever. It’s powerful to document every nuance before their realities morph into the tragedy of loss. (flashlight pen for night writing, shower notepad for water induced thoughts)

Hold space and just be with them.

Bear witness, do puzzles, sit quietly and be prepared to listen.

Smoothies, hydrating elixers, small fresh bites regularly.

Lather them with soft and gentle things.

Candles, incense, lotions, oils, blankets, poems, flowers, soft lights and fabrics are all salve for their battered senses.

Assist with easing their monetary burdens if possible.

Set up a Go Fund Me and/or advocate for paid time off of work with their employers. Your griever needs more help than you think. Their executive functioning has been affected, their priorities shifted into unchartered territory.

Deliver stories of their loved ones on paper.

Allow them to absorb them on their own time without expectation of response. These letters will be cherished for years to come.