Early Grief
As a bereaved mother who lost my child in a traumatic way, this is my experience of early grief. I was in shock, as you are probably now. I wish there was a wisened sea of advice that I could provide to take your pain away, from one griever to another. But there just isn’t. All you can be is in it, and the only way out is through. Collect gently what you learn along the way as they are all components of the new you.
Caregivers please take note,these are your days to shine. Everyone grieves differently so there will never be an easy answer for supporting your loved ones in these early days of pain and shock. Never underestimate the value of your good instincts.
Important Disclosure: I speak from personal experience and am not a licensed professional. This guidance does not substitute for the care from qualified experts. For urgent mental or physical health needs, please consult accredited professionals in your community.
For Grievers :
breathe, sleep, cry, eat, drink
small sips
This is physical
Your body, brain and heart is in shock and needs nourishment so it can take care of you. It has been battered and is raw and unorganized.
Everything is bruised
Your memory and coping skills are shot. Forgive yourself and move slowly.
Your muscles are mush
They will eventually grow to support the weight of this tremendous pain, but you are a tender newborn once again. Only time will allow you to build the strength to support the weight. Be gentle with your expectations.
Nourish all your senses
Immerse and surround yourself in everything that feels, tastes and smells good. Candles, soft fabrics, oils, kind lighting and talk to the trees, they know things.
Take the space you need
You don't owe anyone anything. It’s OK to receive support yet also cushion yourself with the time and space to process it.
Everything you do is now is a first
It’s ok to be absorbed and overwhelmed with the power of this reality. Take it slow.
The waves will come
You will feel as though you are drowning, battered. But there will be breaks for you to breath big gulps of air to prepare for the next set of waves.
Write about them if you can
Without hesitation, write everything that comes to mind. Every story, every nuance, every gesture of your loved one. The act of capturing moving thoughts with pen to paper saves parts of their living essence. Your love keeps the details alive as you evolve into the folds of grief. This writing is for you and you alone. Feel free to say whatever you want. Future you will be thankful for your written words.
Time flows differently now
Although seemingly impossible, try your best to be present each moment, not the past or future. Try your best not to make any big decisions or changes for months or a year.
Say their names
With love and intention repeatedly, whenever your heart desires and to whomever is in your orbit.
Although this feels impossible, know that you are never alone
Your grief is love
For Caregivers :
It takes a village and each one of you has something unique to offer.
Your instincts are your superpower
Your griever is in shock
They are jumbled on a cellular level and they need support in ways they are not even aware of.
Emotionally, they need to be witnessed.
Physically they need to be fed. Tactically they need assistance with important, big and timely decisions.
Assist with what they can’t do themselves
Watch their children, take care of their elders, mow their lawn, clean their kitchen.
Set up a meal train
with freezable food and disposable containers. This will feed your grievers and their house full of people. Gift certificates to local restaurants and grocery stores are good too.
Don’t burden your shocked griever
with your personal stories. They will ask you if they are ready to hear.
Encourage them to leave all big decisions that can wait for at least a year.
They need time to absorb and find some clarity within their new normal. They may have impulses that are moving faster as a means to gain control, encourage them to pause if possible.
Encourage them to write down everything
including their dreams. They are entering a new territory where memories of their loved ones are more precious than ever. It’s powerful to document every nuance of their before their realities morph into the tragedy of loss. (flashlight pen for night writing, shower notepad for water induced thoughts)
Arrive with smoothies, hydrating elixers, small fresh bites regularly.
Give, on gut instinct
and don’t ask too many detailed questions. They will have moments of profound clarity mixed with the inability to manage simple functions. Do not expect them to absorb everything all at once.
Lather them with soft and gentle things.
Candles, incense, lotions, oils, blankets, poems, flowers, soft lights and fabrics are all salve for their battered senses.
Assist with easing their monetary burdens if possible.
Set up a Go Fund Me and/or advocate for paid time off of work with their employers. Your griever needs more help than you think. Their executive functioning has been affected, their priorities shifted into unchartered territory.
Deliver stories of their loved ones on paper.
Allow them to absorb them on their own time without expectation of response. These letters will be cherished for years to come.
Give, with a full understanding that you are to receive nothing in return.
Hold space and just be with them
Bear witness, do puzzles, sit quietly and be prepared to listen.
